


And If I Loved You Not

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:39:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim's emotional dilema causes him to treat Blair like crap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And If I Loved You Not

Well, well, it's been a while, hasn't it? RL and long stories have combined to fill up my time. However, Jim insisted I take a break and write this little tale. If you have any complaints, talk to him. He dictated, I transcribed. And no, I don't know if there'll be a sequel. He quit talking when I finished the last line and won't say another word. Again, you might try talking to him, 'cause I can't write it if he doesn't want it written. For those who want sex, you might try begging or bribes. I have it on good authority (Blair) that he loves Godiva chocolates and tongue. You never know, it might work. ;-) 

DISCLAIMER: Pet Fly's, not mine. Don't sue, won't do you any good. No money, no gain, just pure unadulterated lust and passion. The poem and all unrecognizable characters are mine. I don't remember the title of or who sang the song I used a couple of lines from, but I didn't ask if I could and I doubt they'll ever know the difference. 

// indicates Jim's thoughts. 

WARNING: Hasn't been beta read, all mistakes are mine. If you like it, tell me. If you don't like it, tell me. My psyche's a lot tougher now. Send comments to dbbailey@airnet.net 

Rating: Don't know. PG, maybe, they fool around and end up in bed together, but no real sex, sorry. :-) Language might be R-ish. If you're under the legal age in your state, province or country or don't like the idea of men loving men, go away. There are places for people like you, but this is not one of them. 

## And If I Loved You Not

Debbi Bailey  
(c) November 1997

> __  
> And if I loved you not  
>  The world a darker place would be  
> No light, no joy  
> Nothing to lift my heart  
> To heaven's gate.
> 
> And if you loved me not  
> Still would I love you  
> My heart is yours  
> Keep it or not  
> It beats only for you.

  


"Blair Sandburg!" The beautiful redhead grabbed my partner in a smothering hug and proceeded to dive down his throat. In reaction, I guess, he wrapped his arms around her tightly and hung on for the ride. 

Too many minutes later, breathless and staggering, he broke away from her. Stepping back as far as her embrace would permit, he stared at her a minute before breaking into a wide grin. Pulling her close again, he hugged her while exclaiming excitedly, "Claire!! Long time, no see. Where have you been? When did you get back? How long will you be here?" 

Apparently forgotten, I leaned against a convenient wall to watch the Romeo of Rainier University in action. This was obviously a former lover or very good friend --- with Sandburg you never knew. The dividing line between the two was fuzzy at best. Once Blair loved you, you stayed loved - forever. The only exception to that rule was Samantha. And that was her own damn fault for treating him so badly. 

I've seen him spend hours on the phone, get up at all hours of the night, lend his last dollar, just to help a friend. The man has no boundaries on his heart. He always seems to find that extra little bit of energy or time or love to give to whomever needs it. And he inspires the same devotion in others. I have no doubt that he could call any one of his friends and they'd travel around the world on a moment's notice to do whatever he needed. I know I would. If he asked. 

In fact, there's very little I can refuse him anymore. Of course, he doesn't know that. I hope it stays that way. Because if he ever figures that one out, I'm dead meat. Not that he's selfish or greedy or likely to take advantage of the fact, but I'd just rather he didn't know he has total and complete control over my life now. He might take that line of reasoning a little further than our friendship could survive. 

I know he's bisexual. He admitted as much shortly after moving in with me. Didn't want any secrets between us he said. Didn't want me to find out from someone else who saw him out with a man. I already knew, though, because I'd smelled sex, semen, and men on him several times when he came home from a late night out. Never have told him that. That's something else I don't really want him to know. It's hard enough on him knowing I can hear every word he says in the loft or the office, that I know his heartbeat well enough to track him blind through a blizzard. There's only so much privacy a person can give up before they begin to feel it's not worth it anymore. I never want him to feel that. He could leave and it just might kill me. 

I've never been as dependent on anyone in my life, not since I was 10 or 12\. He went to a two-week conference last year and I thought I'd lose my mind. I finally slept in his bed for several nights. His scent on the sheets wrapped around me and that was enough for me to sleep, some. I still woke up several times listening for his heartbeat. I kept turning around during the day to say something to him, but he wasn't there. 

That was when I finally admitted to myself I'd fallen hopelessly in love with this beautiful, bouncing bundle of energy. I've been attracted to men before. I've even had a few male lovers, but there's never been anyone, male or female, who so completely and totally captured my heart and soul. 

Before you ask, no, he doesn't know *I'm* bi. At least, I don't think he does. And I'd just as soon keep it that way for as long as possible. I'm not ashamed of it or anything. Hell, half the department knows. It's hard to keep that kind of secret in a "closed society" as Blair would call it. Working in Vice means doing things you might not even consider otherwise. I already knew what I was, though, and didn't try to hide it. Since Sandburg moved in, I've been more discreet. And there is the fact that Major Crimes isn't quite as liberal as Vice. I'll tell him eventually, but he doesn't have to know right now. Not yet. 

So what's the problem? The problem is Blair's not what you'd call commitment-oriented. He seldom dates anyone, male or female, more than once or twice. Three dates with the same person constitutes a real deep relationship for him. And that's not what I want. Not what I want at all. 

I've been in love before, like the song says, and the hardest part is definitely when I'm in it. I don't do frustration well. Hell, I don't do *emotion* worth a fuck. I'm grouchy and irritable and downright mean. So you can imagine what Sandburg's life has been like the last few months. But he never complains, never backs up, never stops trying just one more thing to break through that wall I keep building around myself. 

And damned if he doesn't get inside. It's like he know exactly the right words to say, the right tone to use, and the wall comes crashing down around me. I look up and there he stands with that megawatt smile and those eyes shining like smoky blue sapphires. I just melt inside. 

Nobody else has ever been able to do that. Nobody ever seemed to care enough to try. Not for long, anyway. The kid is like a pit bull. Never lets go, never gives up. I'm beginning to think maybe I've misjudged his ability to commit. But I can't take that chance yet. I need to be sure of him before I say anything. 

I don't do introspection well either. Too painful. Too much crap inside. So back to the redhead. 

At the same time I decided I'd done enough delving into my less-than-wonderful psyche, Sandburg evidently remembered me. Interesting physical reaction he has at times like these. An almost unnoticeable blush spreads across his face, his heart rate jumps, and his breathing gets a little ragged. Under normal circumstances I'd guess he's embarrassed, but there's no reason for that, at least none I need to pursue in my current state. 

I've seen him with women before. Their reaction to him is legendary around the station. Small fortunes have changed hands over the status of his love life at any given moment. 

The man exudes a raw sensuality that is clearly irresistable. Clear to me, anyway, since I'm having a hell of a time resisting it. Undeniably masculine, hair and earrings aside, he is endearingly awkward and breathtakingly graceful at the same time. Impossible, you say? Ah, my friend, you obviously haven't met Blair Sandburg. He is a walking, talking paradox. So energetic I get tired just watching him, sometimes he's so quiet I forget he's anywhere around. Fierce in his defense of others, he will take more crap than anyone I've ever seen as long as it's aimed at him. Absolutely brilliant, but totally clueless. Like I said, a paradox. 

Pulling away from the gorgeous creature who'd accosted him, Sandburg stepped back to my side and laying a hand on my arm, introduced me. 

"Claire, this is my partner, Jim Ellison. Jim, Claire Drafton, an old friend. We were in undergrad together." 

Smiling up at me, he didn't see the puzzled frown that marred her features for a moment before they smoothed again. Aha, the green-eyed monster raises its ugly head. Well, I didn't have any claim on him yet, but why let her know? Resting my hand on his shoulder, hearing his heart jump again, I smiled at her. 

"Claire, nice to meet you. Sorry, Chief, but we need to go. Simon's expecting us for a meeting." 

Still smiling, I nodded at her and turned toward the truck. Blair was bouncing again and I shamelessly listened to their conversation as I walked away. 

"Sure, Jim, in a minute. Sorry, Claire, we have to go. It's good to see you again. Maybe we can have lunch while you're here." 

I heard a soft rustle as she handed him a piece of paper or card and whispered a quick "Call me". The sound of another kiss knifed through me. Not if I have my way, he won't.   
  


* * *

Twenty-four hours later, we finally made it back to the loft. When we got to the station, Simon had gotten a big break on a drug case we've been working and we ended up on stakeout until the bust went down. Blair napped in the truck, curled on the seat, his head pillowed on my thigh. It took everything I had not to caress those silky curls or pull him into my lap. He'd slept a couple of hours, but his usual energy was at low ebb and he stumbled as we walked from the truck to the building. 

"Whoa, Chief, careful. You're gonna be eatin' a concrete sandwich for breakfast." Grasping his arm, I tried to steady his progress. He stumbled again, so I pulled him against me, laying an arm around his shoulders. Torturous for me, but sweeter pain I haven't felt in way too long. And it intensified as he wrapped an arm around my waist, leaning against me and mumbling into my side, "Thanks, man. Can't think. Need sleep." 

" 'Sokay, buddy. Just hang on, we're almost there." 

There was no way Blair was gonna make it up the stairs, so I opted for the elevator. As I leaned against the back wall, he turned towards me and snuggled into my side, wrapping his other arm around me. If I'd been a less honorable man, I could have taken advantage of his condition. 

Who am I kidding? Honor had nothing to do with it. The ride up two floors was just too short to start anything and I was scared shitless he'd reject me. That's the other part of my little problem. I'm terrified that this exquisite creature will laugh in my face if I tell him how I feel. Well, probably not, but who could blame him if he did. Why would he want to hook up with an aging, balding cop who treats him like a necessary annoyance instead of the treasure he really is? 

So, why don't I treat him better? Same reason. Terror, pure and simple. I'm afraid he'll see how I really feel and we're back to the same problem again. But I'm going to have to do something soon, because it's getting harder and harder to hide it from him.   
  


* * *

The smell of coffee and a woman's voice woke me some interminable time later. Raising up to peer through the rail at the head of my bed, I saw Blair standing by the answering machine, listening to messages. A beep and the woman's voice began again. Another beep and the voice was the same. Whoever she was, persistence was a quality she had in spades. Then I recognized the voice. Claire. Blair's friend from college. Damn. 

"Blair, where are you, sweetie? Call me. I'm only in town through Friday." 

//What now, Slick? What're you gonna do about this?// 

My brain was still lost in a fog of too little sleep, but I recognized the sharp sting of desperation and fear. I needed to make a decision soon. It wasn't that I thought this would turn out different than any of Blair's other conquests, but the day would come when one of them might. And where would that leave me? Destroyed, that's where. 

Climbing out of bed, I tried to think of a way to delay Blair's return call to Claire. I could always claim I needed his help with the paperwork on the drug bust, which was the truth, but that would only delay him a day. This was Wednesday. That left two days for him to fall in love with Claire and leave me in the dust. I knew it was highly unlikely, given his track record, but you just never know. Paranoia reigned supreme in my little world. 

Headed for the bathroom, I casually tossed over my shoulder, "Who was that, Chief?" 

"Hey, man, um, it was Claire. You know, you met her at the U the other day." 

"Oh, yeah, the redhead. Did I hear more than one message?" 

"Yeah, she called several times. I guess she really wants to see me." He was grinning as I came back into the kitchen. That little shit-eating grin he gets when he's not quite sure how I'm going to react to whatever he's said. And to be truthful with you, I really didn't know how to react. So I tried to stay neutral. 

"Yeah, sounds like it. You gonna come in and help me with the paperwork on that bust from last night?" Oh, good, Ellison. Redirection is good. Not. 

"Well, Jim, I *should* have lunch with Claire while she's here. I don't really want to have dinner with her, 'cause she'll think it's a date or something. She used to be pretty aggressive and I don't want her to get the wrong idea. I don't mind seeing her, but I'm not interested in starting anything serious or long-term with her. How 'bout I have lunch with her and then come help you? I've got a class this morning and a tutoring session at 10:30. I should be able to get to the station by 1:00. Would that be okay?" 

//Careful, Hotshot, keep it cool.// It was incredibly hard to talk with my heart jumping up in my throat, but I took a swallow of coffee and finally managed to get out, "Sure, Chief. That'll work out great."   
  


* * *

I walked around in a daze all morning, alternating between elation that Claire was out of luck and depression over what I was going to do about my dilemma. If I didn't get a handle on this soon I'd either go postal or implode. 

That's what I meant when I said it was hard for me to be in love. Most of the time I'm sure of myself and what I do. If I wasn't, a lot of people could die. Split second decisions are a way of life for me. But this was different. This wasn't about some drugged up gunman or murdering lunatic. This was about my life. This was my heart I was laying on the line. Let me tell you, no gunshot or knife wound ever hurt as much as having your heart broken. 

By the time Blair got to the station, I was in a shitty mood. Swinging from one emotional extreme to the other had wrung me dry and I was looking for somebody to unload on. Wouldn't you know, that was exactly when he walked in, an hour late, smiling from ear to ear, smelling like a street-corner whore. God, he must have spent lunch fucking her blind. 

"Where the hell have you been?" I growled, the small, sane part of my mind cowering from the anger raging through my body. 

"Whoa, Jim, who licked the red off your candy?" Throwing up his hands defensively, he grinned at me, a dangerous light in his eyes. Which I ignored, stupid man that I am. 

"You're late. You enjoy your *lunch*? Hope she was good, 'cause you're gonna have to work late to make up for it." Sneering, I had lost all control of my emotional state, which meant I was going to say things that should never have seen the light of day, much less the inside of my mouth. 

Sandburg's face turned crimson, storm clouds quickly quenched the light in his eyes, and he wheeled around to leave. "Later, man. I'm *so* outta here." 

Stunned, I waited to move exactly long enough that I couldn't catch the elevator. As the doors closed, I saw the hurt in his eyes and the way his lips were trembling. Suddenly afraid, I knew if I didn't do something immediately, he'd be gone when I got to the loft that night. Not just out for a while, but gone for good. 

Racing down the stairs, I jumped into the truck and made it to the loft in record time. As I took the stairs two at a time, I listened for the heartbeat I knew better than my own. It was there, in the loft, pounding out of control. I could hear his voice rising and falling, drawers being jerked open, and clothes being crammed into bags. As I opened the door, Blair almost ran out of his room, bags in hand. I recoiled from the anger and pain in his eyes. 

"Get out of my way, man, I'm out of here. I'll send for the rest of my stuff." I'd never heard that tone in his voice before. Dark, painful, it seemed to rip itself from his throat, spewing out at me like acid. 

I had to stop him, now, before it was too late. Backing up against the door, I reached behind me to lock it and stood there trying to decide what to say. 

"I'm warning you, Ellison, get out of the way, man. I've had all I'm gonna take from you. No more. You are never gonna dump on me again. I don't need you to finish my dissertation and I don't have to take this shit anymore. Move!!" 

"Blair, please . . ." I spread my hands, searching for the right words to get through to him. 

"Please what? Please don't leave. Please stay around so you can treat me like shit. Please forgive you one more time, swallow it down and don't make waves? Please what? Just how little do you think of me, Jim?" Tears were rolling down his face now, tears of anger and pain and frustration. 

Then like a neon sign the words were there. Had been there all the time, I was just too damn blind to see them. "Please let me love you." 

"What?!!" 

"Please let me love you." I said them again with all the love and need I was feeling for this man in front of me, who held my life in his hands. 

He stood there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at me open-mouthed. Then he turned and went back into his room, closing the door behind him. 

I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to move, afraid he'd come out again and leave before I could stop him. So I did what I always do with Sandburg when I'm confused. I listened to him. My heart leaped in my chest. I heard the sound of clothes being unpacked and drawers closing, but with no accompanying voice this time. 

After several long minutes, he came back out and sat on one end of the sofa. Taking that as an invitation to talk, I left my post at the door and walked across to sit on the other end turning to face him. He still didn't look happy, but he wasn't crying now and his heart was slowing down. 

Again I searched for words. Finding a few I started talking, trying to mend the damage I'd done. 

"Blair, I am so sorry. Sorry for what I said today, and sorry for all the shit I've given you over the last several months. You've never done a single thing to deserve any of it. I've been an ass and I know it. I knew it when it was happening, but I couldn't seem to stop. And you just kept shrugging it off and forgiving me until I guess I thought you always would. But that doesn't mean it was right. It wasn't. You're the best friend I've ever had and the most important person in my life. I should never have treated you like that." 

I waited with my heart in my throat. He sat there, watching his hands twist around each other, head bowed. I couldn't see his face because his hair hung in curtains that he hid behind. Then he took a deep breath and looked up at me. 

I gasped at the pain in those beautiful eyes. The depth of suffering I'd caused this man was all there for me to see and the thought occurred to me that it was a miracle he hadn't left me before now. How anybody could absorb that much anguish and still stick around was astonishing. I realized he was showing me his heart and soul for the first time. 

"Jim, I can't do this anymore. I can't let you keep treating me like this, man. I know you're under a lot of stress and I know you have trouble handling emotions, but I can't be the dumping place for you. You're breaking my heart and I won't survive it. I'd do anything for you, give you anything, but I can't live with you like this. If we can't make some changes, tell me now and I'll leave. I'll do whatever it takes to change things, but I can't handle any more pain." Tears filled his eyes again, threatening to overflow. 

Scared as I was, I knew it was time. Time to come clean and confess my heart's deepest secrets. 

"Blair, all I want is to make you happy. I know that sounds strange after what I've put you through, but it's the truth. I love you, Blair. I have for a long time and whenever I saw you with a man or woman, every time you went out and came back smelling of sex, even when I would hear you talking to anyone else, flirting, it was like a knife twisting in my heart. And I was hurting so bad, I'd go a little crazy and want to hurt you back. I know that doesn't make sense, you didn't know how I felt, but love makes me insane, Chief, and I do crazy things. It's no excuse, but it's all I have." 

Now it was my turn to stare at my fingers trying to twist each other off my hands. I couldn't look at him, couldn't see the disgust or rejection in his eyes, and continue breathing. I waited in silence, praying hard for at least forgiveness, if not love. 

Finally, he said quietly, "I've done more with less reason. Why didn't you say anything before now?" 

"I was afraid. Blair, you're beautiful, you're young, you're brilliant, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Why should I expect you to want me? You can have anyone you want, man or woman. What do I have to offer you next to those cute coeds or the grad students you hang out with?" //Please don't let him leave, just let him stay, let him be my friend, that's all I ask.// I was willing to settle for any crumb right about then. 

"Will you offer me your heart and soul for the rest of our lives?" The question was so quiet I almost missed it. 

Jerking my head up, I stared into his eyes, shocked to find love shining there. My heart bounded around in my chest until I thought I was having a coronary. Was it real? Or was it wishful thinking? Did he love me? 

"Blair?" I didn't know what to ask. 

"Because if you will, then you've offered me more than anyone else ever has in my whole life and it'll be more than enough to keep me by your side forever." His eyes still shining with what I knew now was real, he waited. 

There was no way he was going let me off the hook, no way this was going be easy. I had to make the decision. Everything or nothing, I had to decide. Well, there really was no decision to make. I'd given him my heart long ago, he just didn't know it. As for my soul, he was my soul, so he had that, too. 

I told him exactly that and he smiled at me. I wasn't sure how much more my heart could take. It was doing double back flips over that smile and my knees were like jelly. God, what the man can do to me. 

I needed to say something else, but it was going to be harder than anything I'd said up to that point. I don't make promises lightly, because I know how hard they are to keep, but this one was necessary. I loved Blair with everything I had in me, but he needed more than pretty words. The hurt I'd caused still ran deep and it would take time to heal those wounds. Time that we now had, if I didn't screw up again. 

"Chief, I love you with everything I am or ever will be, but that doesn't make up for what I've done. I won't promise not to be an ass anymore, 'cause I think that's pretty much my natural state of being," I grinned at him, relieved when he grinned back, sharing the joke, "What I will promise is that if I start this shit again, all you have to do is tell me and it'll stop immediately. I don't want to hurt you anymore. You don't deserve it and I don't have the right to do it. So I want you to promise me you won't let me get away with it. I'm not asking you to be responsible for my emotional state, just asking that you don't take any shit off me. Tell me when I'm being an ass and I'll take it from there. Okay?" 

"Okay, Jim, I promise." 

"Great, now can I ask you to do me a favor?" I really didn't want to do this, but I just couldn't stand it any longer. 

"Sure, anything." 

"Would you go take a shower? 'Cause I can smell Claire all over you and it's driving me crazy. I don't want anybody's scent on you but mine." 

He gasped and his heartbeat got faster for a moment, then he laughed. "Oh, yeah, man. *I* can smell it, so I know you can't tune it out. I have *got* to tell you how that happened." 

"No. You don't." Pain burned through me like acid. I couldn't believe he would even suggest something like that. Not after I bared my heart to him. I guess he could hear it in my voice, because he scooted over to sit in front of me and cupped my face in his hand. I couldn't look at him and kept my head bowed, staring at my hands again. 

"No, love, nothing happened, honest. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you, Jim. Do you hear what I'm saying, I . . . Love . . . You. There's no way I'd say anything to hurt you like that. It was just one of those weird things that I can't seem to avoid, no matter how hard I try. And I wanted to share it with you. Okay?" He ducked his head down to look into my eyes, smiling again. 

Feeling more than a little foolish, I smiled back at him and nodded. How could I have thought that of him? This was the man who went out of his way a dozen times a day to take care of me, physically, mentally, emotionally. Why would I think now would be any different? Just insecure, I guess. 

"Listen, I'm gonna go take that shower, 'cause I really am beginning to ripen here. Would you make some tea and call for Chinese? We still need to do a lot of talking and I don't really feel like cooking. You better call Simon, too, unless you told him where you were going?" 

I jumped up to grab the phone. "Oh, shit, Simon! I didn't even think to say anything to anybody. I just ran out and came straight here. Thanks, Chief. What would I do without you?" A small shudder ran through me when I remembered how close I'd come to finding out. 

Blair saw it and came over to me. Soothing me, he rubbed his hand over my chest and murmured, "Ssshhh, babe, it's all right. I'm here and I'm staying. Don't worry about it ever again. I love you, Jim. Where would I go? I can't live without you either. We're two halves of a whole. Incomplete without each other." 

I leaned down to brush my lips against his. A first kiss, soft, chaste, meant to reassure both of us. Then I was overwhelmed by Claire's scent again. Stepping back, I wheeled him toward the bathroom and, swatting his butt, ordered, "Shower, now. And use lots of hot water, soap and shampoo." 

Grinning saucily over his shoulder, he wiggled his ass at me and retorted, "Whoa, Jim Ellison telling *me* to use plenty of hot water. Will wonders never cease? You just make sure you order plenty of food, Big Guy. You're gonna need the energy." 

Two hours later, I had been thoroughly chewed out by Simon, filled to repletion with fried rice and chicken teriyaki, and was in the process of being cuddled into a coma by Blair. I swear the man must hold medals in world-class cuddling. He seemed intent on melding his body with mine. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I've just never been so completely, totally cuddled in my life. Never. 

Content as I was to sit there and slide right out of consciousness, I knew the night wasn't over. Not by a long shot. We still had some serious talking and healing to do. And, hopefully, sometime during the night, I'd get to fulfill a few of the fantasies I'd had starring the cuddle monster wrapped in my arms. 

Taking a deep breath, I lifted a hand and began weaving my fingers into those silky curls. I didn't want to disturb the peace surrounding us, but I knew clearing the air was vital as a starting point for what I wanted with this man. 

"Chief?" 

"Hhmmm." He was so drowsy, his answer was more a breath than a word, but I heard him. 

"We've got to talk. Come on, baby, wake up." As bad as I hated to, I tried to put a little distance between us. Which resulted in his arms tightening around my waist and his head burrowing against my chest. 

"No. Don't want to. Feels too good. Talk later." A sleepy Sandburg is a force to be reckoned with. 

"Blair, we need to talk. I know you're tired. I'm tired, too. But if we don't do this now, it won't get done and that could mess things up later. Come on, Chief, wake up." I tried lifting his face, which was a mistake. As his head came up, those incredible eyes opened and I was lost. The only other thing I could see was his lips, which were entirely too close and far too kissable. Groaning, I surrendered and swooped down to cover that full, luscious mouth with mine. The earlier kiss we'd shared had been like a raindrop compared to the deluge of taste that filled me now. 

His lips parted under mine and I was drowning in the flood of sensation that poured through me. He tasted like the forest after a rain, mysterious, earthy, elemental. Overwhelmed by his essence, I was zoning when I felt liquid fire flow across my lips as he licked them and smelled his arousal, musky, redolent with pheremones that tickled somewhere behind my nose and mouth. Pulling back slightly, I shook my head in an attempt to clear the fog from it. 

He was instantly in Guide mode, concerned, caring, "Jim, you okay? Say something." 

"Yeah, Chief, I'm fine. Just a little out of it. Whew, babe, you pack quite a wallop. Oughta come with a warning label, 'Exposure longer than 30 seconds may cause zone-outs in Sentinels.' Not that I want you exposing yourself to anyone else." Grinning, I dropped a quick kiss on the end of that cute nose and another on the smiling lips below it. 

"Aw, Jim, you're gettin' weird on me, man. Is this what love does to you or is this another symptom of Sentinel senses gone wild?" 

"It's what *you* do to me, Chief. And I've been dealing with it all by myself. No wonder I'm a little crazy." It was only there a second, but I saw the worry that flashed in his eyes. 

You have to understand something about Blair Sandburg. He takes his role as my Guide very seriously. It's the one thing I've never doubted his commitment to. Well, there was a moment when he got that call about the Borneo trip. But he didn't flake out on me then and he never has since. Not as my Guide. 

If he thinks he's neglected me in any way, he goes on a guilt trip that would make any Jewish mother proud. For weeks afterward, I'm the center of his world. He's like my shadow. Several of the guys at work have started calling him 'Ellison's Shadow' just because of that. They don't say it when they think I can hear them, but they say it. 

And God help me if I zone out. You'd think he was joined to me at the hip. Recently though, that hasn't been near the problem for me it used to be. I'll take any excuse to have him totally focused on me. All this is to say I knew what was coming if I didn't nip it in the bud. 

"Blair, I didn't mean anything by that. Look at me, Chief. I don't want you beatin' yourself up over this. I'm the one that's been an ass. Remember?" 

"Yeah, I remember, but I'm still sorry, man. I should've known something was wrong. You never used to act like that, so my alarms should've been going off right and left. I guess I was just so hurt at some of the things you said, I was ignoring the warning signs. I really apologize, Jim. It won't happen again." Shit, he was in full guilt mode now. Only way to deal with it is distraction. Get him thinking about something, anything, else. 

"Sandburg, stop it. It's over and done. Forget it. Tell me what happened with Claire. We got so busy eating, you never did get to that story." 

"But, Jim . . ." 

"Blair, please, just drop it. Okay?" I eased a thumb across his cheek and leaned in for another kiss. His soft sigh was swallowed between us and I spent several long minutes exploring the moist cavern of his mouth. When I was satisfied there were no more hidden spots to discover, I eased out of the kiss and leaned back to look at him again. 

Blair is beautiful anytime, wet, dry, muddy, scared, happy, sad. Doesn't matter, the man is simply beautiful. But now, oh, gods above, he was bewitching. Face flushed, eyes heavy-lidded and glazed with passion, lips moist, red and swollen, he was the epitomy of wanton desire. The hardest thing I've ever done in my whole wicked life was get up off that sofa and walk away from the vision he'd become. I had to or in another second I'd have carried him up the stairs and spent the rest of the night lost in him. 

I know, I know. You're asking yourself how this could be a bad thing, but stop and think about it for a minute. He was ready to walk out on me less than four hours ago. Was still deeply hurt by what I'd done and said over the last few months. How was a night of wild, unrestrained sex going to heal any of that? Okay, so maybe it wouldn't have hurt, but sex wasn't what this was about. Yes, I wanted him. Wanted him so bad I was hard as steel and aching like a son of a bitch, but I wanted so much more of him than just his sexy little body. I wanted his heart and his soul. Wanted the part of him he'd never given to anybody else. Wanted him for eternity and beyond. And I couldn't get that with sex. It would take a whole lot more than hot sex to win what I wanted. 

Walking to the balcony doors, I leaned my forehead against the glass, staring into the night. It was cool against the heat of my face and helped bring the fire raging through me under control. I felt him behind me, even though I hadn't heard him move. He's learning how to be Sentinel silent. Comes with the territory. 

Strong arms circled my waist and a hot face pressed into my back. Rubbing his cheek against the tenseness there, he didn't say anything, just petted me and waited. Sentinel silent, like I said. 

When I'd calmed some, I turned in his arms and gathered him close, tucking his head under my chin. Kissing the soft curls, I laid my cheek on his head and we swayed to an unheard rhythm for a long while. I listened as our heartbeats synchronized until I couldn't tell them apart. I don't know which force in the universe arranged for us to meet, but if it'll let me know where to send the checks, I'll gladly make installments on my debt to it for the rest of my life. 

He fit so perfectly in my arms, against my body, as if designed exactly for that purpose. No adjustments necessary, no leftover parts. A perfect fit. And he fit into my work, my heart, my mind and my life just as flawlessly. Made for me, Jim Ellison, and no other. I was one lucky SOB and I intended to spend the rest of our lives showing him what he meant to me. 

I decided we'd had enough for one night. Everything else could wait. So sue me. I was exhausted and he was out on his feet. All I wanted was to hold him in my arms as he slept, protecting him, cherishing him as he deserved. I walked us to the sofa and detaching him from me, sat him down, laying a soft kiss on his lips. 

"Wait here, baby. I'll be right back." I turned off the lights, made sure the doors were locked, and went back to stand in front of him. Holding out my hand, I waited, giving him the choice. I knew I was just a shadow to him, but moonlight flooded through the skylights and his eyes were luminous as he stared up at me. 

"Jim?" A slight tremor in his voice betrayed his uncertainty at what was happening. 

"Come to bed with me, Blair. I want to hold you while we sleep. I need to feel you in my arms so I'll know you're still here. I promise all we'll do is sleep. Please, baby." When he laid his hand in mine and stood up, I released the breath I didn't know I was holding and led him up the stairs. 

The darkness covered any awkward moments as we got ready for bed. I finished first, and crawling in, held the covers back for him when he slid in a moment later. Once again, I gathered his compact body close to mine and kissed him softly. 

"I love you, Blair. I'll always love you no matter what happens. Sleep now and we'll deal with the rest of it later." 

After a moment, he snuggled against my chest, laying his hand over my heart. I listened as his breathing slowed and evened out. When I thought he had fallen asleep, a murmur breathed against my skin, spreading warmth through me that followed me into my dreams. 

"Love you, Jim. Always have, always will."   
  


* * *

Send comments to the author at dbbailey@airnet.net .  
Use your browser's back feature to return to your story selections or start a [new search](http://b-b-t.mit.edu/SXF/cgi-bin/senslash/selections.cgi).


End file.
